The CarerDVD - 2017
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Is she a Muslim?
- Oh, don't start that again. Of course she's not a Muslim.
The last one was a Muslim.
- No, she wasn't. She was Russian.
She had a burka.
-She didn't have a burka. She had a cold.
To Be or Not to Be.
-Do you know, it was all made by Hungarians. Hungarian producer, Hungarian cameraman, Hungarian set designer. Even the man who wrote the script was a Hungarian.
Hungarian my arse. He was Polish.
-Why do you always have to argue? His name is Melchior Lengyel. Which means Polish, but he was Hungarian.
Of course. Who wasn't?
Much funnier, don't you think?
- Mel Brooks did.
- That's exactly how his version goes.
Oh, well, then. He is clearly as talented as I am.
It was like a dying request. How could I refuse?
Where in the name of Poseidon's barnacled backside have you been?
You know, I once met Adolph Zukor, the founder of Paramount Pictures.
-And a Hungarian.
Don't fxcking interrupt with all that Hungarian crap! It was just before his 100th birthday, and he said... "If I had known that I was going to live this long,. I would have taken better care of myself."
But who has ever heard of a Hungarian actress? Oh, yeah, Zsa Zsa Gabor, of course.
-And Eva Gabor and Magda Gabor. But that's one family. Is that really it? I mean, they're hardly the bloody Redgraves. Right?
You see, you can cry without champagne. Something you've learned about yourself.
He seems a nice man.
-He's a pub landlord. They're written that way. It's like saying Romeo is good
at chatting up the girls, Hamlet is a bit indecisive, and Lear is a grumpy old fart.
They say your Lear was absolutely terrific. From the heart, born to play it.
We get old. That's the truth. And how can you tell true stories about the human condition if you deny it, or choose only the good bits? Youth and beauty, passion and sex. We all come to this, you know, if we're very lucky. There's no truth in cosmetic enhancement, you know, no candor in collagen. Besides, which face would you have lifted? What a ship of plastic fools. Incontinent, botoxed, nipped, tucked, liposucked, studded with diamonds, sailing into the sunset.
"Cowards die many times before their deaths."
"The valiant never taste of death but once."
"Of all the wonders that I yet have heard,
"It seems to me most strange that men should fear,
"Seeing that death, a necessary end,"
"when it will come."
You're not serious.
-I've never been more serious in my life. You know, Milly, I've always wanted to say that line. And in my entire career I never once did.
But you're not up to it.
-The show must go on. Oh! Another one of those wonderful lines I have always wanted to say. "The show must go on."
They say that youth is wasted on the young. Well, awards are surely wasted on the old. I mean, it's always gonna be a toss-up, which would've made the mantelpiece first. This or my ashes. Oh, don't worry. I've died on stage many times. Sometimes it was even in the script.
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